words of my heart, mind & soul

not wanting to study for psych!

2009-09-28T18:33:00.001-07:00

sooo boring! all these dumb theories about human development. Theories aren't even truth they have no foundation it's just what people think!! LAME-O....
I miss Rogelio:(

torment

2009-09-27T22:02:00.000-07:00

I wish I could sleep at night instead of having this underlying fear of dying in my sleep...
the insomnia makes me insane...sleeping makes me afraid!

need to blog

2009-09-26T11:46:00.000-07:00

I was encouraged to start writing due to anxiety and panic attacks.

I will write whatever is on my mind just to get it out - not hurting others ofcourse-

I'm back in school being a nurse. I feel insecure and bad about myself for no reason. I miss my family and I miss Rogelio. I wish I could marry him tomorrow!

Last night I had a panic attack and thought I was having a heart attack. My blood pressure was over 140 and my heart rate was up. There was this tight pain in my chest and I couldn't breathe. It was the worse thing I had ever felt. I really thought I was going to die.

This is my weakness but am learning to control. I WILL NOT RUN AWAY (because that's what you all think I do) I will stand and fight. Friends reccomended I go to a counsellor and I might also do some yoga and prayer stuff. Being trapped in panic and anxiety is like being in a prison.

I just want to be free somehow.
For all those saying oh just snap out of it...it's real and it's a sickness. look it up.

Don't look down on me and call me weak.

I hope to blog everyday now.

El Salvador

2009-01-12T20:36:00.000-08:00

In one month I will be back home:)

Christmas

2008-12-21T15:58:00.001-08:00

Christmas is so so commerical here and not celebrated for the reason it was created.

Am I in God's will?

2008-11-25T14:39:00.000-08:00

I have been tormented and sick for almost a month straight. Fainting, headaches, stomach pain.
I am afraid and I have questions.
Am I in God's will? Am I suppose to be here? What will happen? Why is this happening?
I have been a healthy person. Now that I'm in school, my health is troubled. Stress is not the answer.
I have missed school, but am doing well.
I ask for prayer. Serious prayer.
I am believing on Romans 8:28.
I have faith. Faith is stronger than fear...
I have a fear of dying. I have a fear of being robbed of the life promised to me.
In the name of Jesus the torment stops. In the name of Jesus I am free from all disease and sickness. In the name of Jesus I am promised life and life to the fullest. SATAN YOU HAVE NO HOLD ON MY LIFE.
God I just want to be in your will...give me a sign...please.
Don't turn your face from me. Hold me now I need you so so close for I am afraid.

Standards

2008-10-23T22:50:00.000-07:00

My life is too much compromise...too many lowered standards...time to change that! time to stand up.

Secret

2008-10-22T17:26:00.001-07:00

Whenever I hear the song "Secret Smile"
I think of you. That time. That kiss.
I will never forget that.

Gang Violence

2008-10-21T09:13:00.000-07:00

In El Salvador last year the average murders every day by gangs was: 9.3 in 2007.
(Thank you God for your protection for me.)
I received an e-mail from a friend whose pastor friend from the States was just murdered by a gang in El Salavdor.
Make yourselves aware.
Please pray for missionaries serving there. Also for pastors, Christians, children and for the protection of everyone there. It is a huge problem!
http://ipsnews.net/news.asp?idnews=41779

Fail

2008-10-20T20:41:00.000-07:00

I keep expecting myself to fail.

I get surprised when I keep getting good marks in my nursing class.

Sometimes I feel I don't deserve them or feel like any moment I could just fall.

The person who is hardest on me is myself. I can be too much of a perfectionist sometimes.

I need to believe in myself.

Today

2008-10-18T17:10:00.000-07:00

Not much going on today...

Got a haircut which is nice and was much needed, studied with Hannah for our midterms, and talked to Rogelio on the phone...I miss him alot and won't see him for a couple weeks.

It's pretty much a year ago I moved over to El Salvador and I miss it alot. I was thinking about it all day...the smell of the place, the heat, the trees, the busses, the church, the people, the food, the ocean, the markets...the list goes on! I was talking to Rogelio today and we want to go back and live there. Not sure when though because the life down there is a bit more difficult. We both miss it alot. We don't care where we go as long as we're together!

I'm hoping this week will go well as I write a couple midterms. I'm scared about Friday! I have a skills midterm which means that we have to either make a bed, put on a gown and gloves, wash hands, transfer patients, or do range of motion exercises, while a nurse with a clipboards sits there quietly marking us. Talk about pressure! Anyways gonna go take it easy and prepare for an evening of nothingness!

To blog or not to blog...

2008-10-17T17:52:00.001-07:00

I'm back!

A friend of mine mentioned I should blog again. I was a bit concerned, because sometimes I can be a bit harsh when I blog. I've also heard about so many people who get in trouble because of their blogs; people get arrested or really hurt and spill out too much personal information.

Especially now that I'm studying nursing, I have to be so so careful because everything I deal with is confidential. As there may be days I want to vent, I can't.

But I love blogging because sometimes I just have so much on my heart and I need to get it out, and I feel this is how I can do it.

Okay update...

Concerning my "relationship status" Yes I would say Rogelio and I are engaged. We won't be getting married until next summer, or the summer after I finish school. We love each other but are in no rush. People think like oh my gosh that is so long to be engaged for...but seriously, dating is no different than being engaged. The only thing that's different is the ring. We have talk ed about getting married but it was more like a promise but people were asking me about my huge ring and were asking me if I was engaged. I was like um...kindof? It was confusing. So ya I am. We're just waiting for the right timing! We're in different cities and he's trying to make a life here and I'm trying to get prepared for my career, and right now these things have to happen first.

I am studying Practical Nursing. I love it and guess what? I'm even getting good marks! I can make beds, move patients and that fun stuff. Wedneday mornings I'm working with long term-care it's so interesting! Most of the girls in my class are pretty fun and I felt like I have made some good friends!

Life is pretty sweet right now except for some minor problems. Life always has to have minor problems right?

Not sure how much I'll blog but hope you like it. Btw, I love feedback!

My girls in the PN program and my lover, Rogelio:)